Lately I've been losing my smile, I've been spending the time I usually smile with thinking.
What do I wanna do with my life, what do I wanna achieve and what am I gonna talk about in my next YouTube video?
Do I really want to do YouTube? Is it what I really want or is it only the idea of beeing famous that atracts me? I don't wanna wear a mask my whole life and convince people to follow me. The amount of followers you have doesn't make you a better person, Hitler had millions and Jesus had 12. I think it's horrible that I think about this freaking number so much, why do I even care? If I did what I do with real passion why do I even need to share it? Why won't I share it with myself? And that's why I'm gonna kill my YouTube Channel again, I've been getting great feedback and received some messages that made me very happy. I mean you made me strong and I feel so sorry for those who were happy about my videos and hoped for more. I don't want to wear this mask and do weekly videos I'm not proud of just to gain followers. YouTube isn't my passion, my passions are watching films, going to exhibitions, hearing music, chasing the sun, taking photos and writing dramatic things in my diary and on my blog.
Maybe I'm gonna get over that followerlust and do videos again when I travel the world but would I enjoy travelling documenting everything with videos the same way as I would enjoy it if I only took photos and wrote down beautiful experiences?
I think life should be about living and not about documenting. There can't be a documentary without anything that happened.
And don't call me a looser, I tried. And that's what life is about, it's about taking risk and living the dream even if you don't know what your dream is.
Another reason why I think YouTube isn't the right thing for me is that I can't handle negative feedback, it's something I really need to work on, to be honest it already got me down when I saw that some people disliked my videos.
I also deactivated my facebook page. I know that most of you only realize that I posted something on my blog when I post the link on facebook but I think facebook is the social network that hypes the like button the most and that is the button that produces the lust to get followers even more.
I should have wrote this text in german but it felt more authentic for me in english no idea why!
Thanks for following me, please like this even if there is no like button on my blog anymore and share it everywhere you can. And write me some comments even if I don't care about what you think the only thing I really want you to do is FOLLOW ME!
Have a good day and don't forget that you're loved. ☮